I’d imagine most of us believe we operate with a rational and logical mind. We are constantly trying to make sense of the world around us. Clearing the fog for a better picture of our landscape. Disagreements arise everyday and there’s not much we can do to stop them. It’s almost like a Final Destination movie. Where fate is well, fate. If we move to terminate what has been deemed “fate”, we usher in a catalyst for a different version of discourse.
We are built to fight for our cause and defend our reasoning. That we may hold some value in our tribe and have a sense of utility. Experiencing that our peers may neglect our thoughts or words (which are just vocalized thoughts) introduces us to the feeling of the outsider. So we toe the line of what is established behavior. Such as, which habits we have been groomed to uphold since it has historically been received with much favor within our group. In turn, we worry less and less about our own rational mind and fixate on the hive mind. How do I continue to ensure I stay out of the mob’s crossfire? What’s the group think? How am I expected to feel about the matters at hand?
It’s survival. Hardwired into us after thousands of years of programming. Darwin’s Theory of Evolution and the famous quote, “Survival of the fittest.”, is not necessarily “survival of the best”. Mother Nature and evolution is a C student, at best. Bare minimum worker and producer. She rarely improves on the design. The R&D is almost non existent and she has no problem testing on humans. “Oh, you had trouble finding food? Whoops. Let’s tweak this.” “You’re having problems evading predators? How about now?” “You were able to reproduce with another of your kind? Well, then. My job here is done.”
That IS the end goal of Earthly life. To live long enough to pass on your genes. Evolutionarily, nothing more; nothing less.
Once we wrap our minds around the fact that our central nervous system, for ages, has evolved outside of modern society yet still enlists those ancient reward systems to situations less fraught with evident danger then we can begin to unravel our own shortcomings. Opening the door to extending that same mercy to the humans sharing the space around us.
For they are us. And we are them. If we lived their life, we would be them.
I may overshare. I’m aware of the position I may find myself, as a result. Doing so, brings me immeasurable positives and it leaves a rope for another cosmic voyager to latch onto. And may we find each other, to bare our souls as we share a familiar journey. For a moment in time, the positives become pragmatic. Unequivocally, outweighing any negative byproducts as a result. Details… The devil is in the details. We are nowhere near perfect. Yet, we strive. While I feel more knowledge enhances the experience, there are undoubtedly precarious outcomes. Both positive and negative. Never underestimate the potential for the negative ramifications of even the most well-intentioned plans.
Communication is never one-hundred percent transparent. I paint myself with broad strokes. Leaving the finer brushes holstered. I care deeply how others see me. Do they value my character? Work ethic? My output and inclusiveness? In that sense, I voice certain ideas, but more importantly, withhold certain thoughts in hopes to be viewed in a particular light. We are our own PR team. Sit up straight. Make your hair presentable. Show up, here. Avoid this crowd. etc.
The intricacy of communication reaches down even further than those vain examples. Deep into our literal subconscious and deficient apprehension of our own spoken languages. For one, we are indigent arbitrators of our very own thoughts. What resides in the mind, the tongue can only lick the surface of. My discernment of my own vocabulary is elementary at best. Words also have a weight to them. They mean something slightly different to each individual due to our upbringing and cataloging of previous interactions. So, while I may formulate a well-intended sentence to convey my idea it will be received short of my fullest intentions.
The avenue in which we choose to share our thoughts also has it’s barriers. Via text? How’s your grammar and punctuation? Did you include enough emojis to soften the blow? Enough exclamation marks!!!?! Or maybe too many!!????? Since words convey intention, the receiver of your message may add their own to try and measure how important the message should be received. At the end of the day, I feel we all want to be taken seriously. So we add our own sense of responsibility to that act of sharing and consider what role we play in the matters at hand.
Keep in mind that the base of face-to-face communication is 60% physical cues and 40% verbal cues. Don’t quote me on that. I’m pulling that figure out of my ass, but it just “feels” right. Posture and reading body language is built into us. Humans have an innate ability to analyze perceived threats and potential allies. Those cues are only available when interacting with another person in the same room with us. Otherwise, to play it safe or on the conservative side we’ll just convince ourselves the perpetrator failed to speak with good intentions. It’s just another antiquated survival technique considering how far we’ve come as a society. Contrary to popular belief, we do reward cohesiveness and the willingness compromise in a group. We have long recognized the benefit of such social contracts. As it breeds longevity and a healthy environment.
Another example of poor communication, an unavoidable characteristic of our existence, is an individual’s ability to comprehend ideas and philosophies. Which I feel should be closely matched between participants. If I try to explain to you the caveat of a complex subject, yet you lack the wherewithal to even grasp the basics of that subject; it would require you to get your comprehension closer to my own, so that we may have a meaningful exchange of disagreements.
If we’re going to burn hot with the fires of contention, let not my flames be fanned by my ignorance.
Amongst all other factors none reign more supreme than that of fear. A fear of being perceived less intelligent, less equipped, and oblivious to a fact. No matter how nuanced and trivial. While we all are guilty of that quality to some extent, we detest the act when the other party enlists its favor. The idea they have not only consumed all the information you have but even more. And while that may be true for one or two subjects, some curious characters seem to have outlearned the best of them in all intellectual arenas. It should be understood if we are to counter that narrative, we must be accepting our unfamiliarity and allow a receptive attitude to take center stage. Kind and honest exchanges are the only way achieve a meaningful and lasting degree of progress
Lastly, let us not forget to examine the emotional state of both the transmitter and the receiver. Human tendencies, for better or worse, get amplified while in our heightened emotional states. If the acting party is coming from a place of hurt, then they may exude malicious behaviors in hopes of bringing others with them. It is a common idiom that misery loves company. On the other side, if the receiver is in the midst their own struggle and viewing every exchange as an attack then no matter how well-crafted our line of thinking. An altercation is inevitable. In those moments, we have the opportunity elevate our empathy and extend grace to those with which we are at odds. Once we allow our pride to step off center stage, pure progress can be gained. Opening the door to a more open and understanding level of being.
Let’s put a nice bow on this word soup. While all this may provide a sense of happiness, peace should be our target. Because you see, being happy with someone fades. Being at peace with them frees you. Read that again. Being at peace with them frees you. True peace is unwavering.
Happiness comes from the feeling that you’re understood. However, peace comes from not caring if you are.